Thomas's Burial

Thomas Noah was buried on Saturday, April 16, 2011 - four days after he grew wings and went to heaven. This was the hardest day of our lives. The day we learned his little heart stopped beating, and the day he was delivered were horrific. But we were still able to hold him, kiss him, smell him, take him all in. However, this was the day we had to bury our baby. This was the day we were never again going to be able to touch him here on earth. Our favorite priest, Father Steve, performed the funeral. He had married us 2 years earlier, and knew our us and our family very well. He visited us in the hospital twice and blessed Thomas after he was delivered. Our entire family surrounded us that day. I was most worried about my best friend, my husband. I had never seen him so devastated, so emotional. It was really hard for him, as Thomas was given my husband's name, and my husband's father and grandfather's name. So I held my husband through the service, rubbed his back, and whispered encouraging words in his ear. I just wanted to take his pain away. After we had all prayed, it was time to carry Thomas to his final resting place. My husband and his father carried his little casket out through the doors of the church and out to the graveyard. This is when I lost it. To see all three "Thomas'" together, in such a sad moment, broke my heart even more. My father and mother-in-law had to help me walk behind them. My legs kept giving out, and I became so dizzy. Felt like the longest walk of my life. Once we got to his little grave, we then read him the book, "Goodnight Moon"; just my husband and I. We read it twice, taking turns on each page. It is a moment I will cherish forever. Just the three of us...
It just all felt like such a nightmare, like this really wasn't happening. We had so many plans for our new family. Thomas's first Christmas, teaching him how to say "Mommy and Daddy", taking him to Disney World, playing baseball, watching him drive his first car, seeing him get married, making us grandparents, and seeing him name his first son, "Thomas". All of our dreams for our baby are gone. But I know deep down, that he is enjoying all of these things with God in heaven right now. And it is just a matter of time before we will join him. It was never "Goodbye". It is, "Will see you later".

The Aftermath

One week after Thomas went to heaven, my husband and I were sitting on the couch watching TV, just trying to get our mind off of our personal hell we had just endured. This might be a little graphic for some, but I want to be honest with my story. I began bleeding VERY heavily. As a nurse, I knew something wasn't right. After 1 full hour of bleeding nonstop, we called our OB at midnight. She told us to go to the ER immediately and she would meet us there. Unfortunately, after we got there, we quickly learned that my cervix had ripped a great deal. I was emergently rushed to the OR. I remember my doctor telling me, "Once we get in there, and if I see the bleeding is extensive, I will have to remove your uterus. I promise I will do everything I can not to, but if it saves your life, I don't have a choice." We were terrified. I remember thinking to God, "I am going to literally lose my mind, if you take away my chance of ever having more children." Luckily, she repaired my cervix with no problems. Still to this day, we don't know why it took a week for me to start hemorrhaging. I now have the risk of having an incompetent cervix, which means a higher risk of future miscarriage and stillbirth, again. But we are so thankful that we still have the opportunity to give Thomas future brothers and/or sisters :)